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11월 10일 Cricket For DummiesCricket is a game invented by a British think tank made up of the blokes who invented the world’s first laundry detergent, and the blokes who invented beer. Which is why all 11 men in a cricket team traditionally wore white flannels. And then larked about on a lush green field, brandishing various equipment of wood and leather, with another team of 11 identically clad men, till the local pub opened.
Naturally, being men, they wanted this state of affairs to last for as long as possible. The maximum time they could put in generating heaps of dirty clothes, and getting thoroughly sozzled at the end of the day, without winding up paying alimony, was 5 days. This was the ultimate test of a wife’s patience, which is why a 5 day match was henceforth called Test cricket.
Things were fine, until the Americans invented a place called Las Vegas.
Las Vegas is the home of casinos, bordellos, the mafia, and the instant marriage. The instant marriage gave birth to the instant divorce, which was nurtured into acceptable litigation, by a couple of ambulance chasers, in the nearby town of Reno.
Now, British women felt decidedly left out of this entire period of liberation. However, being more civilized than their colonial cousins, they decided on a course of action that didn’t involve going to court. They invented a new form of cricket. This version of the game allowed men to spend just one day dirtying uniforms, followed by a single evening of getting sozzled at the local. Hence, these came to be known as One Day matches.
The advent of One Day matches coincided beautifully with the advent of washing machines.
Women discovered that washing machines could never get whites as white as they should be, but they were damned if they were going back to doing cricket flannels the good old way. So, they forced men to wear gaudy coloured uniforms on the field. To help men adjust to this distinct lack of taste, a large group of women got together, pooled in their discount coupons, and bought a piece of land near London. Admittance to this land was restricted to cricket players and spectators. And to make the men feel better, the ladies named it Lord’s.
Cut off from the general population, the British men soon got over their discomfort of being clad in outlandish costumes. And, in typical British fashion, having spent years in places they had no business being, they decided to set up cricket grounds across their colonies. They then made the mistake of chucking up the colonies, cricket grounds and all, and pissing off, back to their drizzly little isle.
In one of life’s delicious little ironies, the Brits then spent years and years being hammered to bits on cricket grounds around the world, by superb teams from the aforementioned colonies. To put it mildly, Australian, Indian and Pakistani cricket teams proceeded to do to the Brits precisely what the Brits had done to Australia, India and Pakistan, for a number of years. Needless to say, the Brits were unhappy about being hoist on their own sticky wickets.
So they burned the stumps. And sifted the remains. And came up with the Ashes. Which they spent next few decades dutifully sending across to Australia, with their best compliments. Until 2005, when the simple fact that there are at least 16 million descendants of Gengis Khan, came into play. 11 such descendants, with Brit passports, got together and beat the living daylights out of the Aussies.
The Brits, having given up on ever having an Ashes victory celebration, were delirious with joy. So delirious, that they spent an entire week without once regretting the re-election of Tony Blair.
Which just goes to show why they call cricket the Gentleman’s Game, and why Tony Blair never made the first 11 at Harrow. 댓글 (8개)
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